The voices in my head

I really walk around convinced that I'm not the only one who has a constant running interior dialogue. If this is not true, please do not burst my bubble, but if it gets out of hand, you may want to have me forcibly committed.

There are two major problems I find with this running dialogue: first, I cannot always keep it contained in my head. It isn't long before I am literally talking to myself. I do this unabashedly when I'm home alone, but I find it hard to control when I'm out in public. Particularly in places like grocery stores. When my kids were younger, I got away with this because I would just talk to my kids non-stop. No one really thinks this is strange, because you're developing your kids' vocabulary and language skills. I no longer have the cover of tiny children though, as I usually do the grocery store alone. The second issue is that if the dialogue is not about the task at hand, it frequently turns negative. It becomes playing out conversations that I wish I could have, but refrain from having. Things that I wish I could say, but with better judgment, decide to hold my tongue. The worst is that I'm not immune to this stream of negative talk. Why is it that in those moments when I'm alone, when I'm trying to catch my breath and enjoy a moment of solitude, or meditation, or even communion with God, the things that replay over and over in my mind are my times of biggest embarrassment. Times when I've made the wrong decision, said the wrong thing, been hurtful, been stupid, or been petty. Don't get me wrong, the times that I fall short far outnumber any brief glimpses of succeeding in showing Christ to the world, but still...is this some crafty plan of the enemy to wear me down, or is this just simply depression and regrets catching up with me?

So far, my hectic pace is going ok. There are some times that I feel sad because of activities that I'm missing out on, or that there are things that I really don't want to do, but for the most part I'm holding up ok. I'm trying to take advantage of opportunities instead of moping about my lot in life. While one girl is at soccer practice, I practice, walk, and jog with the other one. We will see how long it lasts. I just worry that by spreading myself too thin, I will be doing a mediocre to poor job at everything. We shall see. One thing remains certain, I will continue to talk to myself. Probably more than ever.