A family vision lost

I am the youngest of three children. I have two older brothers, which had its pros and cons. I understood from early on how men think, see things, live, stink, eat, and navigate relationships with other humans on this planet. It also made me the geek girl that I am today, which is something that I value and have pride in. I'm sure that you figured out what the cons were the second you read that I was the youngest and the only girl.

When I was growing up, I of course had all sorts of ideas and dreams of what I thought our relationships would be like as we grew older. My brothers are five and nine years older than I am, so the oldest was already a teenager in my earliest memories. As a result of the age difference, as well as some personality conflicts, we were never really close. I love him, and he loves me, and I know that when the chips are down, we would do anything for each other. As long as everyone is pretty much ok though, we rarely interact. My other brother and I have always gotten along pretty well, and only had the typical big brother/annoying little sister conflict.

Our mother is one of four children, and also the only girl. Partly because they had no cousins, she and her brothers were close, and remained close as they grew up. As they all married and had children of their own, they continued to celebrate holidays together and have get-togethers throughout the year. As a result, we obviously were close to our cousins, aunts, and uncles. It always felt special, and it impressed upon all of us how important family is. My brothers and I often spoke about how we wanted to raise our children the same way, and for them to be close to their cousins.

I always knew that I wanted a husband and children, that I wanted a family of my own. Being the youngest and given the age differences, I really thought that I would be an aunt long before I was ever a mother, and I had ideas about what it would be like to be an aunt and how fun it would be. I envisioned that we would always live fairly close to each other, and that we would be present in each others' lives and our children's lives. In short, that we would live much like my mother and her brothers. Married family was still family, and everyone made the effort to be a family. Therefore, I felt that even though I had spent my entire childhood wishing for a sister, when my brothers married, I would have sisters. I would finally be able to experience that awesome relationship that sisters have, and we would be friends as well as family. This is what I had imagined it would be like, and this is the dream and vision that I now have to mourn so that I can accept and move forward.

My brothers and I are different people, and we have had very different paths in our lives. I actually ended up being the first one married, and it wasn't long before I began having children. It took my brothers a little longer to find the right people for them, and I feel that they were all the wiser for waiting! One thing that I did not like was the distance between us as we were starting our married lives. My oldest brother and his wife lived in North Carolina, my other brother and his wife lived in Minnesota, and my husband and I lived in Colorado, while our parents remained in our native Southern California. It was difficult to feel connected as we were strewn across the United States, but we each had our things that we needed to do. I thought and hoped that it would just be for a short season, and that we would be closer to each other before long.

Here I stand now, my bubble thoroughly burst. My oldest brother and his wife remain in North Carolina, and also remain childless. I like his wife well enough, but I feel like I don't really know her all that well and we obviously do not get to spend time together. I barely ever talk to my brother, and it has been five years since I've seen them. My other brother and his wife life nearby, but have decided not to have children. I also have anything but the picturesque relationship with his wife. I sincerely hope that that will improve in the future, but for right now this is where we are.

I'm sad. I feel robbed of the experience of having sisters, of being an aunt, and even more painful, that my children have been robbed of the experience of having cousins and aunts and uncles. I am thankful that my brother spends time with them, but the situation is just a bummer. I don't know what to do from this point. I just feel that I need to accept what is and get over what I "lost." One would think that this wouldn't be so hard, since it's something I never had to begin with. One would be wrong.